5 Things I Hate About the French Language

(Written in English to prove my point)

1. Gender

I don't want to come across as some sort of metrosexual-endorsing, genderbending, politically-correct knob, but really, why do words need genders? This manly shirt (une chemise), for manly men, is feminine; this very feminine mascara I'm wearing is masculine; this food I'm munching on actually has a gender. It's enough to make a fruitarian out of anyone, the thought of eating something that is distinctly male or female, something that has male or female aspects...And it's not just the idea of eating that which turns me slightly queasy, but even treading on it, running it over, breathing it in...you name the noun, it's either running around in pink stilettos or grunting between swigs of beer. Granted, it's not as bad as German, with its ever suspicious third gender: 'neuter', but it really causes problems when adjectives have to agree. It's really all rather dictatorish and most un-French t o have all this grammatically induced agreeing going on.


2 Words that sound the same

Yes, yes, I know they're called homophones, except in this case they seem to be homophones for me, but not for the French. Why on earth they have complete opposites that sound identical is a logical cock-up that surpasses even the most beaurocratic of French paperwork systems.

Prime example: au-dessus (above) Vs. au-dessous (below)

I hardly need expand on the disastrous consequences this could have, in terms of instructions or preferences...

(NB: My French friend is positive that these do sound utterly different to French people, so it is just my blithering incompetence, but even so, it's a real problem for us foreigners!)


3. Words that are the same, yet not...

'Temps' ('time' or 'weather') springs to mind here. How unwelcoming to the exiled linguist to greet them with a rally of questions the answers to which are invariably completely different:

"Zeveryfastfrancais...temps en Angleterre?"

This could be: 'How was the weather in England?', for which an answer of '2 weeks' would certainly not suffice, or 'How much time did you spend in England?', for which 'Wet' or 'Absolutely foul' would not be particularly appropriate.


4. The French don't actually speak French

Nearly 10 years of nurture, careful cultivating and prudent polishing, and my Oxford-honed French is about as useful as a bald cat. So, I can discuss Classical chariots, quote liberally from Pascal and read medieval courtly poetry. Well done me. Absolutely fantastic.

However, not so useful when trying to ask for a drying rack in a supermarket, or a duvet for my room (as the 4 blankets currently sitting uselessly in a corner testify). Even GCSE French, the last useful smidgen of 'useful' language, produces more giggles than results. Throw in a subjunctive, or a 'ne pas' and the French find you simply adorable and real comedienne.


5. How all the little sounds are different
In English, we all know the meaning of the apparently universal sounds such as mm-hmm, uh-uh, uh-huh, aw, er, urgh, um, and especially the ever-flexible mm. In French, it seems these are incomprehensible, or, at worst, mean the complete opposite. So much for simple communication.